4 AM Blues

As I read the blogs of families in my ward and friends during my graveyard shift I find myself feeling bitter and jealous. It's so easy to read a blog and think "Geez, their life seems peachy." I KNOW everyone has struggles and trials. I KNOW that nobody's life is perfect. But sometimes....especially at 4:40 am, it seems like an unfair portion is heaped on my shoulders. Everyone seems to have it all together. They make enough money, their happy husbands skip to work each day and come home at 5 pm. They struggle with problems like finding new recipes for dinner, or if their new baby will be the long awaited for boy, or how disappointing it was when everyone got sick coming home from their Hawaiian vacation. I want to scream!!!!! I would take a baby in any shape or form! I would give ANYTHING for my husband to heal from the problems that ravage his body. And skip to work? He leaves a trail of blood everywhere he limps. I would love to have enough money to go to Lagoon, let alone Hawaii. I would love the assurance the we have insurance and the money for $300/month medications that treat the real problem. I would love for my husband to have a job, something that helped him feel like he wasn't the biggest loser in the world. And the la-de-da of "I live in my own world, where I am in competition with my neighbors over who's house is decorated the cutest, and who made the cutest baby quilt" makes me want to SCREAM at the blindness of everyone around me.

So I know that I am bitter, and jealous, and angry. I have been pushed to my breaking point for five years and now, I am broken. Plain and simple.

The other day I picked up a book at the library by Michael McLean about how he wrote his songs and the lessons he learned from them. I nearly put it back, I am so fed up with "just have faith and endure." Instead I brought it home with me and looked through it tonight. The lyrics are included and I read some that made me think, "hmmmm, that is exactly how I feel!" Somebody sometime felt this same way. He wrote the song about it! So where are these people who know how I feel? Where are the survivors of my problems? Where is the weekly support group who talks about problems that REALLY matter, not which carpet sample matches the best? Who has made it to the other end of a tunnel that is as long as mine? Where are these people to help me??? To tell me what to do, and REALLY understand my doubts and emptiness?

The message of this moment is so clear,

And as certain as the rising of the sun:

When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear,

Just hold on, hold on,

The light will come.

Everyone who's ever tried and failed

Stands much taller when the victory's won.

And those who've been in darkness for a while

Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a message every one of us must learn,

That the answers never come without a fight.

And when it seems you've struggled far too long,

Just hold on, hold on,

There will be light.

If you feel trapped inside a never-ending night,

If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,

If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one

Who's afraid the light will never really come-

Just hold one, hold on, the light will come.

Is it really coming? Who knows. I am no longer sure. In fact, I doubt it. But if it is.....I wish it would get here already. I don't even feel like I am hanging on anymore. I am now free falling, plummeting- toward heaven only knows what