Answering Service Don'ts

Most of you know that I work for Intermountain Healthcare. I work at the answering service. Depending on the time of day, I mostly take calls from doctors needing other doctors, ERs needing specialists, and floor nurses needing doctors. Mixed in to all those important calls are special calls from normal people. People who have decided they need to speak with the on call doctor. Out of these "special calls" maybe 30% are legitimate (they really do need a doctor) call. For example: "My wife had surgery today, and now she has a temp of 101 and chills." Legitimate. Or perhaps: "My husband was just released from the hospital after heart surgery, and he is feeling dizzy and confused." Legitimate.

So the next time you are contemplating calling after hours, let me give you some rules:

1. If you have called at 6 pm on a Friday night to get a refill. Don't be angry with me for not paging your doctor. This is a prescription you have taken every day. It's your responsibility to notice you are getting low and call BEFORE you run out. Very few doctors will even call in a prescription after hours, and none will call in a stupid one....like birth control.

2. If you are having an emergency, do not call me first before you call 911. JUST GO. The ER doctors will call your doctor when you arrive to notify him. If your husband if having a heart attack, don't call me to figure out what hospital to take him to. The answer is THE CLOSEST ONE.

3. If your child has had a cold for a week, and you decide that at 3 am you want to talk to your pediatrician, please reconsider. If the cold wasn't bad enough to alarm your during office hours for the last seven days, why is it an emergency NOW?

4. If you have been exposed to H1N1, and are showing NO symptoms, WHY are you calling in the middle of the night? The doctor doesn't have a magic pill that will prevent you from getting the Swine Flu after you've been exposed.

5. No you can't pay your bill at 11:15 pm on a Sunday.

6. I answer for 1500 doctors. If you would like me to take a cancellation I will need to know WHICH one to leave the message for.

7. If you call to speak with your Cardiologist, and I tell you a different doctor is on call, rest assure that I will not connect you with a Pediatrician. The doctor on call for cardiology will be a cardiologist.

8. Don't call and ask if your doctor is on call and then hang up when they aren't. If it's emergent enough to call the on call doctor in the first place, you should be desperate enough to talk to the person who actually IS on call.

9. 99.8 is not considered a temperature. Neither is diarrhea or constipation an emergency.

10. If you are concerned about a broken bone, you will need TO GO IN SOMEWHERE. A doctor cannot diagnose or treat these things OVER THE PHONE.

11. If you are 39 weeks pregnant, and "gooby bloody stuff is coming out" get a clue. It's your mucus plug. It doesn't mean you are going to die and it doesn't mean you are in labor. Prepare yourself a little. Read a book. I recommend What To Expect When You're Expecting.

12. Doctors do not have lists of medication and interactions at home. If you have a question about a drug, call your Pharmacist.

13. I will not risk my job by calling a doctor at 2 am who is NOT on call. If it's true that you are a "close personal friend" then you should know his home number.

And that's all I have to say about that.