What is THAT?!

It all started a week ago last Sunday.  I spent about an hour laying on my back lawn looking at the clouds with my kids.  You know, trying to be a good mother.  Later that night while all the cousins were playing cards, my shoulder started itching.  I said to Susan:  "I itch right here on the back of my shoulder.  What is it?"  She said "I don't know WHAT that is.."  I thought, maybe a spider bite from laying in the grass.

The next day at work I asked Jesse to look at my shoulder.  "Something itches and is bumpy" said I.  He looked and was astonished.  Every day after that I made him look.  He did, and reported what the disease was doing.

It was bigger.
It had bumps.
The bumps are lots of little blisters.

He rubbed all kinds of stuff on it.  Everyday something new.  He "ewwed" and poked at it with all his tools.  It was the size of a credit card. 

I tried not to be offended by the amount of hand sanitizer he used.

Then on Saturday night we were all sitting under my tree.  Again.  I felt a tickle under my chin.  I shoo-ed the bug away.  He didn't go away for a long time and yet I never actually saw a bug....hmmm.  Later that night I had red bumps under my chin.  You know, where my whiskers grow?  They looked like mosquito bites.  They itched.  I was annoyed.

The next day I realized they weren't bites, it was another patch of the disease!  And there was more up the back of my neck and around the back of my ear. 

I changed the sheets.
I searched the bodies of my family.
I searched the dog's hair.

Only me. 

All day Monday, Jesse and I looked at photos of skin conditions on the Internet.  You know, to self diagnose.  Have you seen some of these photos?  Oh my nasty.  We came to the conclusion that I had Impetigo OR a jungle rash found in Africa, and surprisingly on me.  I was not amused.  I associate Impetigo to not so clean, small children.  I decided to visit the Instacare after work.

The man who saw me was a PA.  And in all honesty, I should have known better than to be seen at an Instacare.  I have not had good experiences there in the past. 

First they took my blood pressure 5 times.  I have never had high blood pressure.  I suggested it may be caused by the freakin 97 degree weather and my vehicle that lacks AC.  No, that wasn't it they were sure.  Perhaps it was the construction out front?  I had to drive off a cliff on sheer faith to get into the parking lot.  They never figured out what the problem was.  I didn't care.

The PA walked in and introduced himself.  He sat at a desk next to me and I told him my story.  He asked me to move my shirt so he could see the rash.  I did.  He began to say very loudly "CLASSIC SHINGLES!" 
Shingles?  Did we even consider Shingles in our Internet search?  I don't think so.

He never once looked at me.  Or touched me.  Which is just fine.  I took my anti-viral Rx and headed to the pharmacy.

The Pharmacist was incredibly good looking.  I was distracted, and I blame this for the unfortunate conversation that took place after it was filled.

The Pharmacist met me at the "consulting" desk.  He said:

"Okay, Jenalee.  (insert fabulous smile at me) I am giving you ______ today."
Me:  (big smile back...Ooo la la!) "Yes."
Pharmacist:  "This drug is an anti viral drug that is used to treat Shingles, Genital Herpes, those who have been exposed to Genital Herpes, those who have Genital Herpes but are not experiencing a flare up, blah blah blah Genital Herpes....Genital Herpes."
Me:  "Uhhhh..."  (I may or may not have stared at him in horror.)
Pharmacist:  "Do you have any questions?"
Me:  THINK Jenalee!  THINK of a question!!!!  He thinks you have GENITAL HERPES!
Me: "Well....oh my...  Yes, yes I have a question.  This is my first time having SHINGLES.  Is there anything you recommend that I can rub on it to help with the itching?"
Pharmacist:  (Big Smile) "I'm not here to judge."
Me:  "No! Really...."  (In a desperate act to clear my name I slightly pull down the back of my shirt to SHOW him.  I realize he can probably see my garment top.  I think to myself  "That's all the better!"

It was awkward. 

He glanced away.  I let my shirt slide back up. 

I took my medicine and left. 

Quickly.

Somewhere in Ogden tonight, a hot Pharmacist is telling his wife about this strange woman who practically took her clothes off in the middle of the store to prove she had only Shingles.

He's probably hoping I don't come back with another ailment I feel the need to prove. 

Like hemorrhoids.