Learn from me...Part one

It's true that I have only lived a short 33 years.  But boy howdy, what a doozy of a life it's been.  As I offered some advice to a friend the other day, I had a wonderful idea.  What if I offered some of my best learned lessons of life to you?

Would you like that?

For this first installment of "Learn from me" I have chosen a topic near and dear to my heart.

Pets.

Are you ready?  (You should probably take notes.)

Here we go.

1.  You should have a pet.  It encourages responsibility and nurturing type characteristics in your children.  And lets face it, if you don't let your children have a pet, they resent you for it as an adult.

2.  You should have a dog or a cat.  None of those exotic "Oooo look how cool and dangerous I am" pets.  I think, if you purchase one of those pets, then you get what you have coming to you.  It will eat you in your sleep and I won't feel a bit bad for you. 

3.  Do not give this pet of yours a human name.  My cousin has a cat named Steve.  Weird.  My pets?  They are named Piper, Sassy, Stix and Sage.  (I didn't pick Sage, she came with that name.  I tried to call her other names but it didn't work.  Mostly I call her "Dumb Dog.")

4.  If you choose a cat, pick a boy. I'm sure you've heard the bad rap that cats get.  They think they are the superior species, and they are picky and arrogant?  Yeah....that's female cats.  Male?  Not so much.  Always pick a boy.  And don't name him Steve.

5.  Cats will run out the door, and you can't stop it.  You can try, but some night at 2 am when you are standing at the back door waiting for the dumb dog to come back inside, wearing just your testimonies, and it's 21 degrees out, you won't be on your A game.  And the cat will know it.  And she'll make a run for it.  And there's nothing you can do about it. 

6.  The next day when you find that cat in the neighbors shed with a huge tom cat, you can be certain they were more than "just friends" and they weren't in there playing Skip Bo.  You can bet a litter of kittens on it.

7.  A crippled dog that you don't have to walk (because she can't walk very far) is close, but not as good as a bald dog.  Bald is the best.  I'm telling you.

8.  When you buy an animal for a certain person in your family, it won't shake out that way.  My cat Piper?  She hates me.  She only likes Halle.  And Halle's cat Sassy?  She thinks she's mine.  And Greg's dog?  She's Jacks.  And the new kitten?  He's still a Mama's boy.  But I'm hoping he really likes the kid down the street and goes to live with him.

9.  It is surprisingly easy to kill a kitten.  If you have a kitten, it should be placed in a room with no furniture and no children.  And once you kill one on accident, you will cry all the day long.  And kitten killing is not one of those things that you learn the lesson really well the first time and never make that mistake again.  Apparently.

10.  A dog will love you no matter how stinky you are.  Sage smells our breath first thing in the morning to see if we are sick.  (I know, SHE'S sick!)  And if we are, then she lays by us all day long.  Periodically checking on us with a breath sniff or a warm wet nose.  And do you know what?  It's nice.

11.  If you come across someone who doesn't like animals at all, it should be a very big red flag.  Serial killers?  They usually don't like animals.  Hitler?  He didn't either.

12.  If a dog begins to HORK (you know, that sound when the puke is coming) you cannot persuade them into a room with no carpeting.  It never works.  Instead, go get the carpet spray and some paper towels. 

13.  Cats who are micers don't eat the WHOLE mouse.  They leave parts.

14.  Cats and dogs fart.  And it's not pretty.

15.  Don't post pictures of your pets on Facebook and on your walls at your office.  Nobody thinks your pets are as cute as you do.  Trust me.

16.  If you decide on a kitten, never take one that has never seen a human until you came along.  Also, don't take one that is less than 8 weeks old.  If you take a young kitten home, you will have to box train it.

17.  It is impossible to box train a cat.

18.  If you buy "wet" cat food, you will HORK when you open it because of it's smell.  It smells like the depths of hell.  And that pull tab top?  It will cause you to drip some of the juicies onto your hand.  And the rest of the day you will wonder "WHAT is that HORRIBLE smell?  Oh yeah, it's the juice from the depths of hell on my hand that won't wash off."

19.  Cats are nocturnal.  When you are startled away at 3 am by a horribly alarming DOOOIIIINNNGGGG! sound, just know that your cat found that spring thing that is hooked to your wall behind a door.  And no amount of yelling will distract your cat from this new found toy until she's done.

20.  You may THINK you have wonderful friends who help you out when push comes to shove.  And you can talk all day about how loyal and kind and selfless the people in your life are, but when you have a litter of kittens to get rid of?  That's when true colors shine.  Do you ALL hear me?  True. Colors.

21.  If you get a pet, sooner or later you will understand me when I say:

I like animals more than people.