Not that I didn't want to.
I thought that finding a wonderful person who loves you and you love back and who is compatible and has the same values and goals as you do, was a lucky thing. And I had that once. What entitled me to have it a second time?
So I convinced myself that I would be happy being a mom and loving my kids for the rest of my life. I was grateful for the good years with Greg and I was sealed to him, so maybe things would work out in the next life. I talked myself into it, and I really was happy.
Until one day in December when I got a message on LDS Singles. I was reintroduced to everything I had been missing. And the sender of that message didn't end up being "the one" but he opened the door to something new.
Later, when things weren't working out with him, I laid in bed and weighed my options. I could go back to the way things were....happily alone. Or I could try again. I tried again. Halle helped. We shuffled through profiles online and suddenly we came to one that Halle said "He's the only normal looking person on here! Message him." I laughed and said ok. Then I said "Wouldn't it be funny if I marry him and we can say you chose him?"
Well, guess what...Halle chose my husband.
And I feel like normally, I would say at this point that the road has been long and not always easy. Because that's how my life has gone so far. But the road with Jared doesn't feel long or difficult. I've thought about why that is. Is it because there hasn't been any hard trials? No, I had surgery and Greg passed away while we were dating. They were both difficult. It's because Jared knows how to love me and take care of me in just the right way. He didn't need to figure it out, or learn how, he just knew. He does it better than anyone else ever has....and in a completely different way than I expected. It's the small little simple things he is always doing, like rubbing my feet, or brushing the baby hairs back from my face. The way he jumps in and washes my dishes and fixes my lights. How he finds solutions to my problems (like Halle's car battery) long after I stopped thinking about it. And as weird as it sounds, Greg passing away brought us closer together, quicker, than we would have. When I got the phone call, Jared was with me. He held me in the store while I sobbed and then drove me home and put my groceries away and cleaned my kitchen while I told my kids in the other room. Then he helped Jesse give us all blessings. Every time I cried, he cried with me. He held me until I fell alseep. He prayed for us. And through the entire day of the funeral he was perfectly near me, but not too close. If that makes sense.
And I wonder how I got so lucky.
At the end of my marriage to Greg, the partnership was gone. We had somehow taken sides and it was me against Greg and his addiction. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone on your side. To be a partnership and a team. Jared is 100% on my team, and he has been so patient and kind while I relearn how to be a good teammate. While I figure out that I don't need to be 100% in control all the time. That I can trust him to handle things. As a 40 year old, you bring baggage to a relationship that you didn't bring as a 20 year old. And maybe I took a hot minute to decide that Jared was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But through all this "figuring it out" he never once pushed me. Or tried to sway me. Or manipulate my decisions in any way. He has this perfect ability to support me and patiently stand by and wait for me to figure it out. He wants what's best for me, even if it's not him. And he wants me to be happy. And when I realized this, I knew he was the best person for me. Well.....and his complete honesty. I can trust him with everything in my life. And as a former wife of an addict, you have no idea what that means to me.
And I haven't even talked about how incredibly hot he is.....and our physical attraction and connection. Mostly because my kids read my blog. :) I'll just say that the man makes me swoon.
Oh how I love him!! And I just want to be his wife and help him find his keys, and be shocked at what I find in his pockets every day, and listen to him tell me about rocks. I just want to fall asleep in his arms every night and hold his hand every day. I want to pray together every night and try to love and support our kids together. I just want to live the rest of my life with him.
And I'll wonder how I got so lucky.
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