20/17

Today would have/should have/could have been my 20th anniversary.  But it's not.  Instead I am getting married again in 17 days.

I have lots of feelings.

A little sad.  A little anxious.  A lot excited.  A little nervous.

Mostly grateful.  Actually, overwhelmingly grateful.

For all of it.  For all the years with Greg.  The hard things we did and the ways they changed me (mostly for the good) and the person I became because of them.  For my kids.  I would do every minute of our marriage over again for the opportunity to be their mom.  Greg passed away almost 4 months ago....which explains my nostalgia.

I am mostly grateful for second chances.  And for a handsome, loving, kind, and generous man to stand beside me as we try again.  He truly is the best man I know.  I was reminded of it numerous times this weekend.  Like when he came in with pink roses from the garden.  Or when he took my ceiling fan apart 4 times to make it work right.  Or how he lets me choose the hike we do, and then holds my hand the entire way. 

While I am super tempted to look backwards today, and mourn how the first marriage I worked for turned out, I am choosing to only look forward.  In 17 days I get to marry the most amazing man.  It won't be easy.  There are lots of moving parts this time.  I'm ready though.  If I get to be with him, I'm ready.