Upon my death, I think I few things will happen. My Momma will come to get me. I sincerely believe your Momma comes to get you. There is no doctrinal evidence of this, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. THEN I will find myself in a different sphere. And if it's not the Celestial Kingdom, I will know. This is how:
1. After such an exciting trip, I'll need to use the restroom. Upon sitting down, I will realize the toilet seat is cracked. I will realize that a tiny portion of my delicate skin is now trapped in the crack, and no matter how I tilt while trying to stand, it's going to pinch me. There is no way of standing up off of a cracked toilet seat without being pinched. If, upon your arrival, every toilet seat is cracked for all eternity, you can be certain you are not in the Celestial Kingdom.
2. Have you been to a wedding that offered a little self serve candy bar? They give you a small bag of some sort and then you can fill it with an assortment of different candies? I love those. They remind me of the bins of candy at Win Co. The first time I saw the bins at Win Co, I was filled with delight. I chose a bag and filled it with my favorite chocolate candies. When I got home, I ate one. It was nasty. The next time I went to Win Co, I investigated and realized I had unknowingly chose all my candies from the sugar free section. If you fill your bag with candy, and then go home and it tastes nasty, then you are not in the Celestial Kingdom. Only the Celestial Kingdom's candy has sugar. The rest will be sugar free.
3. Most nights, I eat night cheese. You may call me Liz Lemmon. I really love cheese. I go through phases of foods. I have been through other phases in my life that included: Cream of Wheat, peaches, waffles, and chocolate milk. I am now in a cheese phase. I like cheddar, but not sharp, and I will choose Tillamook if it's available. I will eat it on a cracker with a pickle. I will eat it melted on a slice of French bread. I will eat it plain. And I always cut a slice for Sage. She needs night cheese too. The Celestial Kingdom will offer cheese before bed. Anywhere else will have fake cheese available. Cheese that is made in plastic sleeves. I once tried to give one of those nasty slices of fake cheese to Sage. She ate it and then made that dog puke sound......HORK! HORK! Then she puked on my floor.
4. In the Celestial Kingdom, everyone will receive their own bed. Everywhere else, you have to share. As you go down the kingdoms, the beds get smaller. If you sorrowfully find yourself in the Telestial Kingdom, you will share a toddler bed with 16 of your great grandparents. And a cat. Why the cat? Well, our orange cat has begun sleeping with me at night. He lays pressed up against me so I can't move. And his natural body temperature is 87 degrees hotter than mine. I can't roll. I can't shift. I can't breathe because I am so FREAKING HOT. And my bum is vibrating because he likes me and he purrs.
5. You won't realize it immediately, but after waking up from your first nights post-death rest, it will be evident. The Celestial Kingdom is the only place not infused with static electricity. You will flinch before touching anything metal in anticipation on the shock. Forever. Worse, it will be in your hair. Perhaps you are a man and have never had long enough hair to know of what I speak. Well, let me tell you. I had long hair a week ago. Yet, I never did anything with it and looked like a dumpy-pony tail-everyday-momma. And I mean everyday. I would tell myself "Self, tomorrow I am going to do my hair!" And then I would wake up and have the option of getting out of bed and doing my hair or going back to sleep for 20 minutes. You know how that ended. So I made an appointment to cut it all off. To my chin. It's cute, and I like it a lot, but my bed is infested with static and my hair sticks to my face. All the time, everyday. And because I WAS LAZY, it's too short to pull it back for a break from the torture.
6. All the doorknobs in the Celestial Kingdom are clean and dry. Everywhere else they are wet. Wet with what, you ask? WHO KNOWS. Once I was the Secretary at a private LDS Elementary School. And while I worked there, I discovered that the worst thing you can ever touch is a wet doorknob in a building filled with children. Is it snot? Is it drool? Is it pee? What is it? Who knows.
This short list is already enough to make me want to read my scriptures for an extra 15 minutes everyday and take someone dinner once a week. Who wants dinner?
1 comment:
You can bring us dinner any time!!! :)
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