Self confidence and such

Ya know, I quite like myself.  There's room for improvement in areas, sure.  But overall, I am pleased with the person I am.  I am creative, and caring.  I am nurturing and thoughtful.  I am insightful and brave.  I do all kinds of hard things.  And I like to do service.  Well.....maybe not at the time.  Have you noticed that service is never convenient?  That's why it's so good for you.  Like celery.  Have you notice that celery is never tasty?

Which leads me to the topic of this post.

My body.

I am not one of those women who hate my body and always look at it with disdain, thinking "If only my _____ was ____ then I would be happy!"  No.  I am content being a little chunky.  The way I LOOK doesn't matter enough to devote my precious TIME to it.  Who I am on the inside so much more important than my dress size.  My children won't say at my funeral "My mother was lovely.  She had a BMI of 27."  (Is that a good BMI?  I don't even know.) They will instead say "My mother was lovely and I never doubted that she loved me."

But let's face it.  We are getting to a point here where something needs to happen.  I am getting older (37- Eeek!) and I have high blood pressure.  My parents both have high blood pressure and so did my grandparents.  The skinny ones!  I need to be kinder to my heart and try a little harder to be a little better.

So I took a good look at myself.  On paper.  My habits, the areas I could do better in.  And I made a plan.

Now, my plan was not to do anything CRAZY all at once, like diet.  That's failure waiting to happen.  I made a plan to start small.  

I wrote on a big piece of paper "Walk everyday, and don't eat at night!"  I figure, I'll tackle a few small things at a time and then before I am even aware of it *BAM* I'll be healthy!

Now, I never believed in reincarnation until I started this little venture, but I might believe in it now.  And I know what I was in my previous life.

A dog.  A dog that belonged to a man named Ivan Pavlov.

Yes...I was one of Pavlov's dogs.  I have to pee more lately because I am salivating more.  I'm sure of it.

I lay in bed at night and I think of all the things I would like to eat.  JUST THINKING OF IT is nudging me ever closer to insanity.  I have had to completely change my tv watching schedule.  Before, I would watch an hour of tv after the kids went to bed.  But I can't now because all the shows I want to watch are on the FOOD NETWORK!  If I want to watch tv, I have to watch something dumb.

Except not last night.  Last night I watched Life of Pi.  Have you seen that?!  I love it.  I loved the book too.  And I thought to myself "Jenny, if Pi and Richard Parker can be on a raft for 11 million days and not eat each other, then you can go without Tillamook cheese."  Then I think "Richard Parker was a tiger.  And tigers are orange.  And so is my cheese!"

And then, without fail, I remember that I have to take my blood pressure pill.  You remember the blood pressure?  The entire REASON we are doing this?  Guess where the pill bottle is?  In the kitchen.  As I slowly walk down the hall, my mouth fills with saliva.  When I open the cupboard, I see the gummy vitamins and I am dizzy with some sort of other world euphoria at the thought of being able to eat one without breaking the rules.

So I eat 3.

My pee has never been so rich in nutrients.  And saliva.

Anyway.  Wish me luck.  Tonight is day 3.