About 16 years ago, I wanted a baby. I wanted a baby very badly. Unfortunately for me at the time, that didn't really work out. Even though that season of infertility was short (just a year and a half) my heart ached. The cycle of infertility is a doozy of a roller coaster. Lots of hard climbs and huge let downs. And lots of patience. Which I'm not good at. Eventually, I discovered I was pregnant and never, ever, has there been a more fantastic moment in my life. I lived every second of those nine months in intense anticipation. All I could think about and talk about was that baby. I even drove my own mother nuts. And then....came Halle!
Halle was born in the middle of May and all through that summer and fall, I lived every single moment of every single day for her. And then in January, while on the phone with my sister, I randomly asked "How many days has it been since December 23rd?" She asked how many I WANTED it to be. I said "Less than 28...." it was 33. I was pregnant. Halle wasn't even crawling yet! I was shocked. This is not how I planned to space my kids! I wasn't ready to be sick and pregnant with another baby while I was still breastfeeding my 6 month old! This was not the plan! And I cried. And cried. I want to make it perfectly clear that I WANTED that next baby, but maybe not quite yet. I struggled that it was too soon. I laugh when I hear young married women talk about how they've planned their future children. There is no planning children. And that's what I learned. I eventually came to be very excited about the new baby coming, and 16 months to the day after Halle was born, came JACK!
Never have their been two more different looking children.
But here's the point. I wavered when the plan turned out to be something different than what I wanted it to be. Was I full of faith and trust? No. And since then, I have seen how wrong my own plan for them was. Jack needs Halle. She has led him by example and sometimes by the hand through all 13 years of his life. My kids aren't perfect, and we have fighting and arguments, but she is his rock when things get hard. Jack sometimes struggles in church, and Halle is quick to keep him close in Sunday School and at Mutual. She helps him with his math every week, because I can't remember how to divide fractions. She helps him pick out clothes so he looks cool. But it's more than that. She has been an example of determination, persistence, courage, and grace. Halle works hard and earns a 4.0. Jack really struggles with school but he watches her and tries hard. And he is successful! Honor roll all of 6th Grade and his first quarter of 7th! The only person more proud of Jack than me, is Halle. She tries out for things like running for office, basketball and the volleyball team. She didn't always make any it. But he was watching and has gained the courage to try out for school teams even though he may fail.
And on the flip side, Halle has needed Jack so very much. She doesn't remember a time in her life when he wasn't there. When she didn't have him. He pushes her to be a better example. She knows he is watching her and she strives to be loving and accepting of his quirks. To help him in way that he doesn't know to make his life easier. She's learning to love, serve, and be ever mindful of other peoples struggles and feelings. She's looked out for him and stood up for him and now she knows how to do that for others. And does. He's taught her to speak kindly, and to guide softly. Is she perfect in this? No. Does he appreciate her and recognize her help? Not always.
I clearly see the reasons why they came to this earth and this family in the way and timing they did. I certainly didn't plan on only having two children, but despite my best efforts, that's all that came. Oh how grateful I am for those two. I hope and pray they remain best friends through their lives. I am very close to both of my sibling and they encourage and uplift me every day. I am so grateful for both of them and the examples they are. I am grateful for my kids, who are truly more than I deserve.
But mostly, I am grateful for the insight to see that my Heavenly Father does know me, loves me, and knows what's best for me. He has shown that in many aspects of my life and I continue, though unsure what's next for me, with complete faith and confidence in Him. Everything will continue to work out.
It's part of the plan.
No comments:
Post a Comment