And Jesus wept

Everyone knows the story.  I was on a date with Jared at the grocery store.  I loved him.  I was committed to him, but we weren't engaged.  

My phone rang and I ignored it the first time.  I was in the baking aisle.  It rang again.  I ignored it again.  Then I listened to the message.  It was Doug.  There was an emergency.  Could I call him back right away?  Still I had no idea.  I was blindsided.  

Greg had died.  I was flooded with an immediate and overwhelming sense of relief.  FINALLY.  Finally the ache and sorrow and struggle of this life was over for him.  He is such a great, loving, wonderful man locked in a prison of a body.  I was thrilled thay he could move on.  Do something more.  Stop suffering.  I have no idea what I said to Doug.  I didn't even cry.  Then he told me that Greg had ordered a pizza and they found him when they delivered it.  I'm pretty sure I laughed.  He ordered it, paid for it, and then didn't get to eat it.  I'm sure he was mad.  I wonder what Doug thought of my reaction.  

Then he said that he would be praying for us our kids.  Oh.  Our kids.  I would have to go home and tell our kids their dad died.  And I burst into tears.  I hung up, and realized Jared was next to me.  I sobbed in the Smith's produce section.  Nose running all over Jared's shoulder, wrapped in his arms, sobbing.  He cried with me, and hugged me tighter.

I don't remember thinking much about it on the ride home.  I didn't think "who should I call?"  I just dialed.  Jesse.  The only person who I knew had any kind of experience with this.  Who could give us blessings.  He said he would come.

In the driveway, Jared offered a prayer, I took a deep breath, and went inside.  Jack was quiet.  Halle screamed.  It was awful and I was almost panicked.  

That's when Jesse showed up.  He said to me "Sit down.  You need to just STOP."  I sat.  He crawled up on my bed and laid down.  My kids laid down beside him.  He had us all breathe.  Then he taught us this: 

He quoted the scripture.  He told us the story.  He told us how feeling sorrow and loss were important.  We all became calmer.  Figured out how to talk.  Laughed a little bit.  Then we went into the kitchen and Jesse and Jared gave us blessings.  I laid in bed with Halle until she fell asleep.  Then Jared laid with me until I fell asleep.  I wonder if it felt like too much for Jared.  

Since that night, I have thought a lot about what Jesse said.  I've thought about how we are asked to mourn with those that mourn.  And what that looks like.  What that feels like.  I'm grateful for a brother who came when I needed him.  And I'm grateful for Jared who stood beside me in that moment, and a week later at the funeral, and every day since.  He didn't have to.  We were only dating.  I'm grateful for Greg who facilitated so many of the lessons I've learned in this life.  And made sure I was safely in the hands of someone who would love and protect me before he left.  I'm mostly grateful for a Heavenly Father who saw me through it all.