Complicated

 Life is very complicated.  I think it's because of all the emotions.  There is no rhyme or reason, there's just a big tangled mess of emotions.

Losing someone is weird.  The things you feel don't always make sense.  Greg passed away two years ago.  We had been divorced for 3 years when he went.  It should have been easier then, right?  I've since remarried a wonderful, wonderful man whom I love so much.  It should be easier now, right?

Well.....it's complicated.

To have loved two men with my entire heart is hard to sort out.  And sometimes I miss Greg so much.  But I wouldn't trade my marriage to Jared for anything.  I feel like the trials I have done in this life are too much, that it's not fair.  Yet I feel so beyond blessed in so many ways.  More than I deserve.  

Contradictory emotions.

I still feel the love that Greg has for us.  It comes in waves at weird times.  He still makes me laugh- like when Jared and I are talking about him at dinner and "Friends in Low Places" starts to play in the restaurant.  I can hear him in my head.  And I can see him in my kids.  That time Jack ate 60 nuggets, I could FEEL how proud Greg was of him.  

I waited a long time to divorce Greg.  I waited a long time to date again.  I talked to Greg about Jared quite a bit.  Greg told me that he just knew I would marry Jared.  He INSISTED on meeting him.  I took Jared to a Garrett wedding to meet Greg.  It was a weird thing to do and I felt uneasy doing it.  But Greg insisted.  Greg seemed to okay it all, felt like we were in good hands and died 3 weeks later.  I had no idea that would happen.  I was literally and lovingly passed from from one husband whom I loved completely to my other husband whom I love completely.  One of them knew what was happening.  

In some ways, it feels like I am living two different lives.  With my kids spanning both.  I think the trick is to just appreciate it all.  Feel it all.  And take it for what it is.  Not wonder about what would have been if Greg didn't become an addict, or what my life would look like had I married Jared at 21.  There aren't answers to any of that.  Could have, would have, should have need to be left alone.  Just deal in what IS.  

The over riding emotion to the reality of  my life?  That's easy.  Gratitude.