Big Bubba

Big Bubba is my new boss. We've been together outside of the workforce for quite some time. But now that he is my superior, things are different.

Bubba thinks Big Mama is too big. (Too big? Slender Mama doesn't have the same ring to it, I say.) Bubba thinks she needs to do the Big Bubba Fitness Plan. Bubba doesn't give me much of a choice. All the power of the Hearing Improvement ownership has gone straight to his head and it's big.....too. It all started on my first day of work. I waltzed in and said "Good Morning!" Big bubba said:

Did you eat breakfast?
me: No.
You should always eat a high protein breakfast. Always.
me: I don't usually eat breakfast.
Well, from now on you will stuff an egg in your hole every morning.

Then lunch came. Bubba said:

Get in the jeep sissy we are going to get lunch!
me: Ooooo. Let's have something gooood!
We will not have something good. We are going to the grocery store.

And we did. Where he let me pick a package of steaks. Any steaks. I wanted some french bread to go with it. NO! No french bread. He said:

There will only be steak! You will have steak or you will have nothing at all!!--Which a quote from Jack by the way. He's using the words of my own children against me.

So I ate the steak. In the afternoon I thought I might have a cracker. He told me I would not and it was my addiction talking.

THEN on the second day of work I got a phone call eeaarrrllyyy in the morning. Way before work. It was Bubba. He said:

Good Morning! Get on your bike and meet me at Wangsgaards! Hurry. We are going to bike to work!

Well....I live 50 yards from work and I think I burn more calories when I simply walk there. Bubba wants me to get on my bike and ride 7 miles towards HIS house, meet him on his bike and then ride all the way back to my house and next door to the office.

Honestly, that ride could kill me. I could die of heart failure right there on Washington Blvd. And that would be a shame. One time I thought I wanted to be a runner so I went to my friend Kims house and started a running plan I found online called "Couch to 10K in two months." While I was on the treadmill, bright lights flashed before my eyes. A black tunnel was all I could see. I had a near death experience. I never did it again. I'm getting off topic...

He called to tell me he was leaving. He called to tell me he was at the rendevous point. Where was I? Putting on mascara! Finally I got on my bike and started to ride his way. I got about a half a block when we met up and rode to work together....about another half a block.

Every day he wants to know how many carbs I've eaten. He wants to see my food journal. I don't have a food journal and I'm sure I've eaten more than the 20 carbs he has allotted me. He makes me look in his food journal. He makes me look in his little carb bible. I don't like that book. It says in there that I can't even eat Cheerios. Well, peaches are ripe on the tree! And peaches are my favorite. My favorite way to eat them is in Cheerios. Yesterday, I smuggled a granola bar into work. Do you know how many carbs are in a granola bar? Neither do I but I am sure he'd be willing to look it up. I might burn that little book.

Bubba's No-choice-fitness-plan sucks. It ALMOST makes me want to go back to the Answering Service where we sat around and ate candy for 9 hour shifts. Almost.

Here's a little something new at our house:

Her name is Sage and we love her a lot. She's fat too.